hannah

I had a nightmare last night that I woke up crying. The nightmare was about me hitting my daughter. It was so real that I had to get up or at least get out of that scene. The nightmare was a bit weird because one second I was meeting the prime minister and the next I was living with my parents and raising my baby at home with mom and dad. It was as if time had stood still and my brothers didn’t grow up and it was weird. In the dream my baby was playing with my eye shadow and I asked her not to touch my stuff and that was when I hit her on the face. After a while I can see it was blue black and swollen. I started cradling her and sobbing. The horrendous guilt and regret I felt were so real that I felt like exploding. The weight of regret and sadness were suicidal. It was horrible. That was when I got up.
The first thing I did was to go to my daughter and hug her in her sleep. Then I started kissing her over and over again that she almost got up from sleep. Then I cried and cried and went to my hubby for comfort. He reminded me that it was just a dream and that it didn’t happened. I sobbed and sobbed. Then I realized that it was 2am in the morning and I was not in my parent’s house. I was at my house and that it was just a dream. The thing is I love my baby so much that some people say that I spoil her and she is in someways. Sometimes when we say no, she will start crying and shows her tantrums. Either that like last night when she wanted to watch her elephant story that she came to me and started to mutter “pease, pease, pease(She pronounced it that way) mummy, elephant story, pease mummy, pease, pease” then she started kissing and hugging me. How could you say no to that. I asked her “ what elephant story?” Believe me I have seen or was force to sit through all the 1001 times she watched Spirit of the Cimarron Herd. I can even switch place with Matt Damon as the narrator. All the Hi-5 DVD (2boys and 3girls group that sings and dance), where you have to dance and jump with her. I have memorized every song as well. So I asked her that question because I can’t remember any elephant story because we haven’t bought the pooh series of Hepphalump the movie about an elephant. Then she put the dvd in and gave me the remote. When I on it, it was the Ice Age. Oh now I see, the mammoth is the elephant to her. I told her, that’s not an elephant it’s a mammoth. She repeated after me “momoot mummy?”. Anyway, we watched Ice age for the 10th times last night.
I started thinking what was it that triggered that horrible dream. As I was staring blankly in the dark at the void, I realized that it was the conversation that I had earlier with mom. Earlier that day I was talking to mom and she told me that dad went ballistic when he saw my youngest sister’s exam results. When mom said that the weather in Penang was terrible, that it was hit by a twister and typhoon combined. I thought for two seconds and realized that it was dad showing his tantrums. I have to tell you that my last two siblings had it easy. My dad used to be much more worse than that. Our faces weren’t blue blacks and our limbs weren’t swollen I should say but our minds has marks and our hearts have hidden scars that only we know. He wasn’t that kind of man who would abuse his children. He loves us. I know that now. He used to be a strict, strong and silent type of man and still is in some way. He has a temper but when he hit us, it will be with a cane and most of the time it will be just to scare us. I guess when you were young you view you dad as this monster that has no heart. But he does have a heart. Back then he didn’t show it often enough that he loves us but now I am seeing his declaration of love to my daughter every time when he sees her. That is a revelation as far as dad is concern but the years of seeing my brothers got hit and me occasionally experiencing it first hand, has somehow taken its toll or at least has marked my heart and my mind. Boys will be boys and I guess dad tried to control and keep everything the way it was that he didn’t want to let go. One of my brothers got it bad with him and I remembered when dad got angry with him, all of us will work together to get him out of the house till dad cool down. I guess every cloud has a silver lining. Because dad is like that, we have a close and special relationship with one another and with mom of course our ever-willing lawyer and defender.
Anyway, I guess that was what triggered the nightmare. I remembered in the nightmare I was outside of my body looking from the outside. I remembered seeing me cradling my baby. I guess I was my dad then, in that terrifying dream.
I always pray to god to let me love and not hate. To let me not be my dad, at least not have his temper. I want to instill love and nurture through love and understanding and not through excessive force and harsh penalties. Being a parent now, I know that it is not easy. Maybe dad thought that it was the right thing to do then. There is no right manual on how to raise a child. It is a trial and error process with the objective of doing your best for your child. To make sure that they didn’t make the same mistakes that you did but sometimes, you need to let them make mistakes in order to learn and live life. It is hard to let go and I know. My baby is going to be 4 soon and I remembered it as it was yesterday on how she was laying on my tummy for the first time and she didn’t cry but was just blinking and looking at me with her brown eyes. Mummy loves you so much baby.

When I first laid my eyes on you,
I know that my life will be different
I know that I wont miss my life before me
Because now there is you
You complete me in every way
You are the last piece to the puzzle of my life
You gave me the peace I crave for everyday with just your gorgeous smile

Promise me sayang ,
That you wont be too old to give me cuddles

Promise me sayang
That you wont be too old to kiss me

Promise me sayang
That I will be in your heart no matter where you are

Promise me sayang
That you will come to me when you are in doubt or sorrow

Promise me sayang,
That you will still need me, even when you have your own miracle

Because you are mine!
You are my miracle,
You are the previous gift from god that I will cherish with my life
You will always be my baby….
And mummy loves you!