Daughter to Father

When I watched Lindsay Lohan’s music video of-‘confession of A broken heart’-it brought me back to the two-bedroom Health Ministry Quarters in Penang. That was where I witnessed the same thing that was portrayed in the music video. It was a reoccurrence that you will never get use to. I remembered cupping my ears with my hands trying very hard to reduce the noise from the arguments between mom and dad. Dad didn’t abuse mom or anything bad like that but the screaming and yelling were as bad. I remembered when I was 17 years old and it was the school holidays. Everyday, for weeks there were rows and rows of arguments that at one point, I thought they were getting a divorce. I couldn’t take it anymore, the noise, the hatred shown, it was deafening. I turn to my diary and I poured my hearts out. I cried in my room and asked god for answers

Most of the arguments that mom and dad had were because of me. I was the rebellious one in the family. My one and only sis came later so for 17 years I was the only girl. So that had made it more difficult if I want to go out and hang out with friends. TV was my only escape; I always imagine that one day I would be studying in the same university with Johnny Depp (of 21 jumpstreet) and Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains). I also imagine that I would one day go and visit Donald duck at Disney. My close friends shared the same dreams. We would write stories and pretend that we had American boyfriends. It was weird but that was what we did back then. I remembered that all these fantasies didn’t sit well with dad. When I didn’t do well at school, he would destroyed all the posters of my idols and prevent me from watching TV for a week. It was devastating and I was hurt. I didn’t understand it then but I am trying to understand it now. Maybe he thought that was the right thing to do. Maybe that was how he was showing he loves me. But thank God, most of the fantasies I had came true. I didn’t go to Uni with Johnny Depp but I went to an American Uni and stayed in the US for two years experiencing most of the stuff I have watched on my favorite sitcoms. I have met Donald Duck In Disney World. I also had fantasized how if dad became one of the dads on one of the shows that I love to watch back then. How perfect life would have been.
The strained relationship with my dad also didn’t help during those time because those were the times when we were distant. He couldn’t deal with the fact that I was growing up and as they say teenage years were some of the hardest years for some people. It was hard for me. I was a late bloomer (a friend of mine would laugh at this as he thinks it’s not true-thank you). It was worse when you are not in talking terms with your dad. I remembered wishing that he would be more understanding and supportive during those difficult and trying times. I even remembered asking the same thing that Lohan has asked in her song- ‘did you ever love me’- Back then I didn’t know. Back then I hated him and I always thought that I am such a disappointment to him. Nothing I ever did back then that could make him proud. But I love him. I always picture in my mind how he would one day say to me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me.

Oh well, there are no use in hanging on to the past. It’s just that the music video hits me to the core. I cried the first time I saw it as it reminds me so much of the past. Now, dad has changed. Last week, on his birthday, I sms him and he said thank you. At night, we called and my daughter sang to him the Happy Birthday song and he was happy. He was so talkative and he was actually talking to me and telling me about his day. I was shocked and my sis and mom too. They were surprised that he could talk on the phone for more than a minute with his children. I told him I got him something for his birthday and I could have sworn I heard a smile in his voice. I guess it’s never too late to show your love to your love ones. Happy Birthday Dad!

Confession of A broken Heart

I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
I wait for the good lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Daughter to father
Daughter to father
I am crying
A part of me is dying
And these are these are
The Confession of a broken heart

And I wear all your old clothes
Your polo sweater
I dream of another you
The one who would never (never) leave me alone to pick up the pieces
A daddy to hold me
That’s what I needed
So why’d you have to go
why’d you have to go
why’d you have to go!
Daughter to father
Daughter to father
I don’t know you but
I still want to
Daughter to father
Daughter to father
Tell me the truth
Did you ever love me
Cause these are
These are
The Confession of a broken heart
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you!!