Refinding myself

I have been away. Away from what exactly? Hmm… from civilization for one and from my loved ones and from myself.Okay it may sound a bit looney now but hear me out.I was assigned to attend an induction program for 2 long weeks. The first 10 days were filled with lectures, discussion, activities and meetings. The day will start at 8.30am and it will end at 12.30 midnite. By the time I got to bed it will be at 1+ am. And that was the same routine for 10 long torturous days. Mom said this is a way to actually subtly brainwash you. Wow! Three cheers for mom! I thought I was the only ‘dillusional’ one but I guess there are some truth in it when your mom echoed your thoughts.
I work for the government by the way. So most of us have to go through this process before confirmation. Every morning we had to sing the national anthem and the organization’s song. I have had the lyrics memorized. It came in handy during the formal session when we all had to sing it. Anyway, we were injected with all the organization’s information and government’s processes etc. At the end of the 2 weeks we had to sit for an exam. We have to pass this exam in order not to repeat the whole process. God have mercy on me! I have had invisible bruises and dents all over me after enduring the 2 weeks of torture. My mind screams in silence to the idea of going through that again. Anyway, when I was there I had to conform to the ideas accepted by the majority of the participants. I had to conform to the way they dress, eat, walk, talk and their way of life. It was hard to drastically command my mind and heart to do the things I have emancipated myself a long time ago thorough heartaches, tears and life experiences.
It’s like being back in high school where you have to strictly follow everything without questioning any of it. That was how we were treated, we had to follow everything without questioning. It was like going back through time and then time drag itself for 2 weeks in its torture hole. Before you were returned back to reality. Thank god we got to return to reality, if not it will be like Quantum Leap where I will hope that the next leap will be the leap home(cheesy, I know but I can’t resist myself)
Anyway, while there, I learned, yeap! I did learn. Mostly about myself. I know now that I can sing but I have to overcome the stage fright first before they see my true potential. We had to perform and somehow I ended up being one of the lead singer. During the showtime, I almost had forgotten the lyrics. When I looked at my partner, the look on his face was priceless but when I continued after what it seems like the longest pause ever in the history of showtime, I can see the blood flowing back in his face. Sorry Norm!
I know that I am strong and I can endure almost anything that comes my way. I know that I want to be accepted. I know that I am envious of people and even my friends sometimes. I know that I can control any of my bad thoughts when I put my heart and mind to it. I know that I can be unapproachable to some people. I know that people will like me once they have gotten to know me.I know for some special people , it will take just one look at me and instantly,they will like me. I know that I am strong but I can’t be for long if I don’t have my loveones, family and friends with me.
After saying all that, come to think of it, it wasn’t that bad.It can’t be that bad when I had learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses, my strengths and my personal aspirations. Hmm….but still, if given a choice between the two weeks and an electric shock(the ones they use in Russian interrogation process to make you talk), I would take the electric shock anytime. Seriously!