hannah

Hi-ya all! Hannah is better now but it was like going through hell and back seeing her sick. After seeing the chirpy doc. She was ok for only one day. It was on Saturday night that her temperature rose up again. At 3am in the early Sunday morning, she was vomitting and crying and i felt her body was hot. I started sponging her and asked her to take her medicine. That sunday i told a friend that i would go and support her function which was at work and i didnt hesistate this time. I picked up the phone and sms my ride that i couldnt go and then i sms my friend. AFter that i took Hannah to the medical center and this time we saw the chirpy doctor again and this time her temperature was 40.2. This time around the doc didnt shoot me a piercing look but instead she looked at me with compassion. I think she was tired and her chripyness was wearing off. She changed Hannah anti-biotics and we went home with the new set of medicine. I took Hannah to work on Monday since there was no management meeting and replacement classes. I wanted to monitor her condition and i wanted to be there just incase if it got worse. She was alright. The next day, we sent her to the daycare and when i called during midday at the daycare center, they said that her condition was getting worse. We took her to the medical center again and the doctor wanted to admit her but after seeing our worried faces, he said let's take her blood again and do the test. We took her to take her blood. She was screaming and crying that my heart reached out to her. H and I were tired and we didnt get enough sleep since Hannah was sick, and seeing her cried and the way she begged me not to take her to the nurse because she didnt want the needle, somehow ripped my heart apart. I almost make a fool of myself of crying infront of the pack hall of the hospital. I wish i could give my arm so that she wouldnt have to go through the pain but i can't. So H had to be stern and then she called me and i hugged her while the nurse squeezed blood out of her little finger until it filled a tube. They did the test and changed to another anti-biotics and we went home. I was restless because i had to leave her on Wednesday till Friday. I didnt want to but we were short handed to manage the conference. I was one of the committee members and i had to be there. I broke down in my class thinking about her. A few hours before leaving for the hotel, i made up my mind to bring her with me. At least she'll be near. I got a few of the volunteers to take turns to take care of her while i work but i went up to see her during lunch time; to feed her and bathe her. On the 2nd night we were there, she got better. We extended our stay and she got better and better. Her appetite got better too. When she was sick she refused to eat or talked. Her weight plummeted to 12kg from 19kg before. She was skin and bones. Now she's better and it was a lesson learnt for me. I took it to heart when one of my collegues said that the reason she's sick was because i dont hug her enough. I was going for an alternative medicine when modern medicine has failed. My collegue gave me 'air zam-zam' and after finishing a bottle of the water, her body cooled down. No more fever. I was hurt but there were some truth in what she has said about me not hugging Hannah enough. I was away in Brisbane and immediately after coming back , instead of spending time with her, i was at work, immersing myself with work even during weekends. I didnt have time with her. Every clouds has a silver lining and even dark ones like mine. This is my silver lining. I hug her more, i talked to her more. I spend more time reading to her and i kiss her more. We do girls things together and she gets my jokes. She's talkative like before. I cooked last week and she ate quite a lot. After her lunch, she said down and rubbed her round tummy and said " oh goodness i am so full". She is sounding more and more like me. I found her using all the phrases that i used. The other day she said " Mummy, can i say something?" She was so serious that i was actually scared of what she wanted to say. Then She said " My friend has the same clip that you are wearing. It's very pretty mummy, justlike you". I love the conversation we are having. I wish i could record each and every one of it and stash them in a safe somewhere. So that when i am older and she no longer stays at home and has a family of her own, i couldview them one by one to see how my little girl has grown. I thank god for Hannah. She is my life. Love your children because they are God's gift and God has bestowed the trust on us to love them the best we can. See you later aligator! (David would replied " in awhile crocodile") I miss David and the whole moo gang.

the world is black

That’s the title of a song by Good Charlotte. The ironic thing is that the tune is so catchy and happy that you can’t help but wanting to dance to it. I was dancing to the song inside my office when everybody has gone home last night, oblivious to the lyrics till my phone rang and I had to stop the CD for awhile. After that I replayed the song. The chorus goes something like this: But the world is black Hearts are cold There’s no hope That’s what we are told We can’t go back It wont be the same Forever’s Change By things we say Then it repeats the phrase- No one really cares this is happening. I can so relate to this.But the funny thing is that the lyrics are so sad and gloomy but the tune is so upbeat. Anyway it is an interesting song. Yesterday was bearable. Loads of work to do but bumped into a lot of nice people so it’s alright. Today is different a bit. I had spent two hours talking and debating on issues and current affairs that I think my brains are going to explode and there goes Wan’s brain all over the sidewalk. The fact that I was high on caffeine was another story and i smell like smoke, also deserve a total new entry to it kindda topic.Hmmm…I have been hanging out with smokers but they are highly intelligent people that it got me thinking that maybe I should take up smoking just to spike them and myself –not to mention. Because …and yes I am going to be corny and it’s trite to say that the The percentage of second degree smokers (people of me) dying of cancer is more than the first degree smokers(like all of you). SO maybe I should reduce the percentage of me dying by joining them. It’s a wicked thing to do , I know but this is a wicked world we live in. It’s black! Right, back to exploded brains and caffeine high (again a wicked combination). I think I need days like this. Why? Because it got me thinking of many things and It got me away from the ordinary everyday tasks and people that I have to encounter daily. SO it’s refreshing indeed to get away and talk and debate and think stuff that you don’t normally pay much attention to. Okay that’s that for now, back to work and a little bit of dancing :) Everybody now- ~the world is black…….. The wan and only

A sad song

I watched Jordin Sparks sang this song and it was totally awesome, gloomy and sad but it was awesome. I cannot imagine this predicament before but when she sang this song, i sort of could see the gloominess of the person's heart as depicted in the lyrics. all sad until it came to "My nose pressed up against the window pane"...that's a little funny. Imagine someone doing that outside a restaurant. That put a smile to my face but It was a sad song..overal.. and that's that.

Shelley Bassey-
I who have nothing I,
I who have nothing I,
I who have no one
Adore you and want you so
I'm just a no one, w ith nothing to give you but oh I love you
You, you buy her diamonds
Bright, sparkling diamonds
But believe me, dear,
when I say
That she can give you the world (sometimes: That you can give her the world)
But she'll never love you the way I love you
You can take her any place she wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane
I, I who have nothing I,
I who have no one Must watch you,
go dancing by
Wrapped in the arms of somebody else
Darling it is I Who love you

History?

I have to write this because it's bugging me. but before that i always believe of starting something with a positive note. Okay, one encounter today that i love and i will treasure forever. Someone i admire, gave me The Sun (the newspaper) and like always, mom said that you have to be polite and say thank you. I did just that and said my thank you. And that person said " i gave you the sun'--every pun intended:) I couldnt help but chuckled and i said" yeah, you did. It's wonderful but my obession has always been with the moon'. Then his comeback was " aaa..haa! but only one person in this world that can give you the moon". With that statement, he smiled and looked at me and i realized and said" yeah..you are right!" I smiled and bid farewell and we both left our own way. It was great meeting him because he always has something nice to say and very witty and cheeky sometimes. I adore him. He is such a good friend. Wish i had known him sooner.After that wonderful meeting, i left for my 2nd meeting of the day. It was to be among the most prominent historians in the country. There were only a couple of occassions where i had felt small and not so bright... and......small... and inadequate in everyway, and after that meeting i have a new addition to the list. I know history is something that you need to know because it says something about you and your origin. It's about you and it is important that you know that by heart because for someone who doesnt know his/her own history is someone who is ignorant in some sense of the word. Unfortunately, i am one of the culprits as well. Since this is my blog then i will explain myself. Since secondary school, my history classes had been dreadful and horrific.My memories of the class were on how terrified i was everytime i entered the history class. We had to memorize all the dates because if we don't know them then we will be pinched. Yep!pinched! so you cannot blame me for erasing that experience and everything else that was associated with that memory.I know i am older now and the internet has overflowing of information including information on history. I will do it, furnish my empty bowl with a bit of history. But i need to create more bowls because when i was 'discussing' one of the major issues(Apparently it was major!) with one of the prominent historians in the country, i found myself to be jotting down more things rather than giving my two cents worth of ideas and thoughts. It was not a nice feeling to have. I realized now that Dad knows more about our history than I and I call myself an academician!Shame on me! Okay...new quest: read more on history!I will start with my own and then move on from there. One consolation that i offered myself at the end of the discussion to save what's left of my pride and ego for that matter was that i can't be mastering in all subjects, i have my specialization and interests and History is just a weeeee bit hard to swallow at times but i need to see it in a new light. Need to!Have to! I dont want to be in ignorance anymore!I find Amir Muhammad fascinating and witty. I love reading his penned down thoughts, maybe i should start with his documentaries.Yeah! I'll do that. But the recent one is banned.Aw Shucks! Never mind, will find some other and books, perhaps. Perhaps!perhaps!Perhaps!(sorry , can't resist!) One of my colleagues have suggested a few supposedly(Positive attitude!young lady!) interesting books in the market that talks about new perspectives of our Malaysian history. Okay, will do that for a start. Enough history. Now in my room, i am enjoying the aftermath of the storm a while ago but somehow my mind has its own storm to fight through. I am a bit restless and a lot of questions suddenly found home in my head. I put the 100% blame to the non-existance of sleep lately and my work. I have been busy. And also my supply of Executive B is finished. I need to get some. It's chaotic!In my mind that is. In the midst of all that, I foudn solace in writing and i wrote this:
One crazy day
My heart is burgeoning with fear, anxiety and sadness
That it risks breaking
My mind is congested with questions, issues, matters needing my attention and solutions that it risks shutting down
My instinct tells me to be an iconoclast and be peculiar
Instead of just fleeing
No amount of Executive Bs can resolve this or
Calm me now Tonight, there’s no moon to seek comfort in.. No stars. Just an empty blank sky filled with questions written in black ink
Only I can see them… Only I can decipher the code that nature has bestowed on me..
Lucky me!
Thousands of questions
Appearing and disappearing before my eyes
None answered.
Just silent screams
Plastered all over the air
I asked myself why
But I am too scared to even attempt to answer
Am I going crazy?
Maybe......

Sports day

Today I attended Hannah’s sports day. I was so proud of her. She’s so different after we left her with her teachers. I was observing her and she became so obedient and this good girl that follows every instruction the teacher gives. It’s not that she is not a good girl when she’s at home but she became overly obedient and this totally different girl. Okay back to the sport’s day. As usual she was fast in making her currypuff.I was puzzled too when she first mentioned it. Yeah I did asked the question about what has curry puffs got to do withsports. Well it was a race on who can make currypuffs the fastest and they made it into a group thing. It was interesting and fun seeing her taking the dough and kneeding it and shaping it into a currypuff. Now I can get her to help me make some soon. After the race, she got her medal and then all the children were rallied into a big hall for their MacD burgers and drinks. H went after them to get Hannah. I waited outside and after about 5minutes, H didn’t turn up, I went after them. I saw H waiting with a group of parents infront of a door at the end of the hall. I stopped halfway when I saw a glass window attached to the hall. I stopped and peered inside and I saw Hannah. She was holding her burger and drink trying to find a place to sit. She finally settled beside Amanda(Mental note to myself: Amanda’s mom’s name is Zarina).Then I saw her peeling the wrapper of the burger and she peeked inside. Then I saw her stopped and rewrapped the burger again. At that point of time, I felt like crying right there and then infront of that couple of hundred people and make a fool of myself. I realized that they gave her McChicken and she doesn’t take any burger with even a shadow of vegetables. Her favourite is and I quote “ bread, fish, bread”. Figure it out yourself. It makes my heart breaks when I realized that she wont have anything to eat because they assumed that every kid enjoys chicken burger with everything in it.Hannah doesn’t but she didn’t make a sound, she folded the burger, she didn’t throw it away or anything. She just rewrapped the burger and sat on the chair and drank her juice. I was so caught up with my thoughts and fighting really hard not to cry that I had both my palms pressed against the window. I stared at her for the longest seconds after that and she looked up and saw me. Her face lit up and she quickly went to find her teacher and pointed at me. I almost ran to the door because I know she expects me to be there to meet her. I went then and the teacher said “ Is Hannah’s mummy out there?” I said’Yes!” and she came to me smiling. We took her to a kopitiam for breakfast and she had nasi lemak. That was where I met another one of her friends- Adam(Another mental note to myself- Adam’s mummy is Eliza or was it Shaliza). It’s hard to be a mummy when you have to remember so many things from work and now all these other mummy’s names and Hannah’s friends. But one thing for sure, I love this mummy thing and I love Hannah.