of meetings, friendships and life mantra..

I had my first meeting with my supervisor. Hmm..it was earth shattering and a lesson of humility for me. I nearly cried but i blamed it for my hormones going hay wire due to my period is just around the corner. But the good news is that i didn’t cry. I channelled all my frustration towards findings answers to some of the questions he had asked me. I felt small and i was thinking to myself is it going to be like this everytime? If it is, it’s not for the weak soul. Because it can drive a priest to prostitution and a healthy person to a mental institution! Hey in rymes!hm.. but i’m not giving up without a fight! We are going to live! Today is our independence day!(hehe excerpts from the president’s speech in the movie Independence Day). After getting back my self -composure, and when i look back i thought this is just the first meeting and i’m making a mountain out of a mole hill..i think. I should be affected by his comment but not so much till it’ll make me give up. I need to take up this challenge. If the old guy can win Survivor Gabon, then i can do this( I’m watching the final episode of Survivor). I wanted to do this in the first place. No one forced me to do it so i should be strong and do this well. Do this great! I talked to Betty and she said that we need to be positive. Hehe another of my Dharma clan..oooozzaaa. She said we need to live life and not let all this nitty gritty stuff let us down. We need to take up the challenge. She said our supervisor has made her thick skin and she’s been with him since undergraduate years. SO she knows his style and she said I’ll get use to him. I need to find the information that he needs to me to get acquainted with and ultimately be an expert of. She also said that we need to be objective and not get personal and emotional because it’’ll be a norm and soon embedded sub-ritual in my life. Those are just a simple string of words that made sense. So i managed to find a couple of articles that are going to help me quantify relationships and also databases to use for reference and measurement of those relationships. I know i’m not making sense but it made more sense to me now than before. So tomorrow will be spent doing my critique and little bit time will be allocated to think of some more possible conceptual frameworks that can be measured. You know what’s funny, i simply come up with 3 Quantitative frameworks and my supervisor said that we can actually try working on the 3rd one. I nearly laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh- because i simply scribbled that diagram and cry- the though on how to make that work. Anyway, i need to have a sense of humour in this and i will. I’ve seen the others who are finishing their thesis with envy. If this is a survivor game, i would have resorted to killing! Anyway, ‘’the seniors’’ have accomplished so much academically and career wise. They have made a lot of money too with their part time work given by the department. I’m just starting and it made me look like a dwarf as compared to them – the giants. But i survived the first meeting. I could answer some of his questions but hopefully in the next meeting which will be in two weeks time, i could answer most of his questions or at least give him logical and ‘’correct’’ answers.
I’ll end this interesting and memorable day with a heart warming and in your face quote that Betty had shared with me. It sounded something like this“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do”. Beautiful right? So what are you? You are in my life for a reason? Or a season? Or for a lifetime?

A walk to K road

I just had a big bowl of prawns tom yum soup with tofu and loads of vege. Where did i manage to get tom yum paste, you may ask.. well i walked to Lim Chhor. It’s an Asian convenient store that has everything Asian from vege to dried prawns and pork feet in a can! I needed to get some stuff from home and they even have brahims. I’m happy after having that bowl of tom yum soup and also a freshly squeezed lemonade i made myself. I’m feeling a bit content.It’s a good sunny day today. I like the sun and it’s not that cold today. About 23 degrees which is the ideal summer day for Aucklanders. It’s still a bit cold for me but the sun is up and shining so i’m not complaining about the cold wind today.
Lim Chhor is situated on Kharangahe Road or K road (http://www.kroad.co.nz/kroad/history/default.asp) as everyone refers to it. It’s a mini city on its own but according to the locals, that’s a red light district but i like the selection of shops there. They have Asians and vintage clothing wear and they have convenient stores and Starbucks. The buildings are great. It’s old and full of character and they became a background of modern trendy people. Cool eh?Cool day today. I walked a lot and got lost a bit but i managed to get to the famous lim Chhor . Good on me!

Sandy Black sand

The sun is shining so gloriously today. I’m so happy to see the sun this morning. This is the actual definitive summer day. Not like the last couple of days. It was freezing!But i had fun. I was silently praying to God to not let me be alone on my birthday. And surprisingly i wasn’t. I went to Piha(http://www.piha.co.nz/frame.htm )on Sunday morning.The trip to Piha surprisingly went well. Really well. I enjoyed myself with the other 4 Malaysian gals including my first roomie. My aim was to have fun and enjoy the day and i succeeded. I made a couple of new friends and took heaps of photos of myself and the scenery. We walked up to the two highest points near the beach. The first one we were accompanied by a life guard- Gary. A friendly bloke who explained to us the history of Piha and it has rips and currents and is unforgiving of the foolhardy. The waves are so strong that i don’t dare take a dip in the sea. That and because it’s cold. Hehe. We had lunch with an added spice- a sprinkle of the black sandy sand. I took home some of the sand. The sand just sparkles under your feet and it’s hypnotising seeing the black, smooth, fine, twinkling black sand. Amazing! It took us 45 minutes to get to Piha by a charted bus. The bus driver-Andy, is very friendly and drives well. One thing here, the drivers are so ‘berhemah’ that when going uphill, Andy, will stop at the side of the road to make way for the cars behind him since a bus can’t go that fast up. He did that numerous times going and coming back. I am still amazed on how at the office they change the paper towels to cloth. So that you won’t use so much paper towels and consequently save more trees and ultimately save the world from total destruction. I felt like taking a photo of the cloth dispenser-roller thingy but they’ll say I’m crazy to be snapping my camera in the loo. I’m just amaze by how determine they are to not contribute to world destruction. A noble cause that needs to be supported by all of us.Especially us Malaysians!You hear me! Oooozzzaaaaaa!

That night was my 2nd late night out. The first was when i had coffee at Starbucks with a lovely couple and they walked me home at around midnight. That night when i reached home, H called to wish me and we chatted for a bit. I miss him so much. Hannah sang to me happy birthday twice. She said she made me a card. She asked me whether the kiwis celebrate Halloween. I told her that maybe. Then she said she wants to go as a Goth girl. Her exact words “ i want to be a Goth girl mummy”. I said” Goth?” She said “ yeah..black lipstick, black nail polish, black dress..everything black”. I said “ why baby?, why don’t you be a princess and i can be your queen and abah your king”. She said “ that’s ok too but if i go as a Goth girl, what would you be mummy?” I said” hmm....maybe a witch?” Then we laughed. I painfully miss her. There’s this aching pain in my heart literally every time when my thoughts linger to her. I need to hold her and hug her really close till i can feel her heartbeat and she can feel mine. Soon that day will come. I pray to GOD that it will..

On my birthday, i was suppose to have lunch at Mission Bay alone. But i had company with me. Surprisingly i had my mind set of being alone on my birthday that i felt more comfortable by myself than with company. That was why i took my time i guess. I went to the office for awhile to do some reading in the morning and i saw, Zoe, terry’s friend. She’s friendly and chirpy. She wish me happy birthday and we chatted for a bit. I left the office around 3pm and instead of straight to Mission Bay. I went shopping instead. I bought a really nice summer dress. It’s blue with small white flowers, a couple of jackets (they were on sale) and i was famish so i decided to stop by a small cafe to have a quick late lunch. I had lunch around 4pm. It was really satisfying. I had a wonderful liberating time by myself. Then i went to this soap shop called lush. Everything smells wonderful there. They sell handmade soaps and the ingredients are mostly natural. I bought something for Irene there. The girl who was helping me was pretty and friendly. We chatted for a bit when she was wrapping Irene’s present. After that i went to Mission Bay.

Mission bay...aaahhh...a good decision. It’s beautiful, peaceful and serves great fish and chips. There are only about 10 stores there and it was a great dinner. The ending was sweet as i had a yummy hot chocolate in a cold summer’s night.
That was it. My days...celebrating me. It was nice and fun. It could have been better if i’m home with my H and hannah. But you can’t have everything you want. I received a lot of wishes via phone calls,sms, facebook and emails. All very heartwarming. I thank god for a loving family and good friends.
Happy birthday to me!Chao!

Of hats, Button and Coffee

Hi! Today i had a full eventful day. I started the morning with my breakfast and then i went to the mall first to buy a very crucial item- my hair dryer. Then i went to work. That’s the downside when you have to pass the mall before going to work/school. I reached the office and Susan told me that my desk is ready, i moved with the rest of the phd students and of course near Betty. She’s so helpful and I’m happy that she’s my friend. I have a big flat computer screen and a resource room for my perusal. Betty said that no one told her that she didn’t have to buy any of the stationeries because we have a resource room filled with everything that you want and you can just take them. I felt like a kid. Around 4pm, Susan sent us and email asking us to join her and the rest for tea. We went there and Betty stuck with me. We chatted and ate cake. One of the phd exchange students from Germany is leaving and she bought a cake and coffee was served as well. Betty didn’t talk to anyone but me. Then when we finished eating, Kevin came to introduce himself to me. He’s from Hawaii and pretty much an American. After talking to Kevin, Anthiya from Germany came and introduced herself to me. We talked and she was asking me about my family. When i told her i have a 7 year child, she asked me about my age. Today i had 3persons asking me about my age. Geez! They said i look really young..hmm..believe me i feel kindda old sometimes.Going up and down the hill just doesnt help.
After talking to Anthiya, Betty took me to another resource room and there it has more stuff. We took a few things and then Betty said “okay..let’s run”. We giggled and i told her that that’s the first time in two weeks that i actually giggled. I thanked her and she said that she normally is not that talkative but with me she can be herself. Cool! I showed her my new hats. I bought two! One is for casual wear and the other is very girlish. I tried them on and Betty said i look great. I’ll post some photos in here soon. In Malaysia, i won’t be caught dead in those hats but here i need to because the sun is scorching hot . I can feel the toll it has taken on my hair and skin. So hats...it is! After the tea, i went back to the office and did more reading. Then i was off to the cinema. I made plans with myself to see Benjamin Button. I walked out and I bumped into a Chinese guy, he smiled and i smiled. Then we bumped into each other again in the lift. I smiled and he smiled. I walked out heading towards Albert park because Betty had shown me a short cut and that is to cut through Albert Park. As i was heading towards Albert Park, i bumped into the Chinese guy again. This time he smiled and said hi. That started our conversation and before we know it, he was giving me his number. I felt compelled to give mine which i did and he just arrived four days ago. He wanted to ask me about the professors in the Business School but i told him i’m also new. We parted ways after Albert Park. Then I headed to the cinema.
Hmm...the curios case of Benjamin Button is very entertaining and touching. I don’t really like Daisy in her twenties. Cate Blanchet appeared a bit over in her acting maybe it was intended. I don’t know. But she was so convincing as a dying old woman. Brad Pitt can still melt hearts. When he was riding the bike...aahh...that made me melt a little. The character that he played reminds me a bit of Joe Black and Forrest Gump. Anyway, i nearly cried when the daughter read the postcards that he had sent to her throughout his journey and all her birthdays. That was really touching and my eyes were watery and not because of the draft. It’s a funny, touching drama. I’m glad i watched it. But they were about 15 of us in the cinema. I saw another girl who was alone and she’s pretty, A mom and a daughter who sat next to me, An elderly couple who sat in front of me, two young couples and check this....two macho guys! It reminded me of the two macho guys who watched Australia-the movie. One looks like a hit guy from the Moari clan and the other looks like a Chinese tai-kor. They came together; i don’t dare laugh let alone smile or even look at their direction. I think this getting in touch with your feminine.., ahem..excuse me! softer side must be working in the mafia world because it’s spreading throughout Asia and Australasia. Maybe by getting in touch with your softer side, you put your people skill to more use. Killing and beating are too much work and they are messy. In this economic downturn, you need to be thrifty. So watching soapy dramas is the way to go. Go world peace?!
After the movie, i had about an hour before my next meeting with Zora at Starbucks. I was so hungry so I went home and ate some fried rice. I met Zora and she brought her hubby Shane with her. Lovely couple and very open about things. They speak good English. We chatted till nearly midnight. Yep..the coffee made me talked non-stop but she was so nice and friendly and Shane too. Auckland at midnight is nothing like Perth. It’s still full of life. I told them that i ‘ll be fine walking alone but they insisted that they wanted to walk me home. So we chatted some more and before i knew it, i was home. A very long and wonderful day. I’m happier because of today and it has nothing to do with a friend coming tomorrow but he’s coming with goodies from home and he’ll be here till the 20th. So i won’t be alone on Monday. I still miss H, Hannah and home very much. But all these eventful moments have made it a little easier. Have a great weekend everyone

Auckland City

That's the view from my balcony. I took it with my phone. I have taken some using my little red camera but i can't seem to find a way to download the micro SD card to the computer without using a cable.Auckland(http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/auckland/introduction/city/default.asp) is beautiful. There's an outlet for SD card in my laptop but somehow it wont fit. So i would have to wait for H to come and bring me the cable. Thank god i can take thousands of pix using the camera without it running out of space. Anyway, this is what a 5mega pixels camera phone can do. It just doesn't do justice to the real thing.The real thing you can see the bridge all lit up and the sea and the trees in between the twinkling lights. You need to be here to experience the aw! If i was Nathan Petrelli, i would fly and get my self swallowed by the city and the hypnotizing glittering lights.Every night without fail, i'll do that. The sunsets were magnificent and i just can't get enough. It's breathtaking and it soothes away my pain and sadness for a few moments. My quiet, therapeutic time alone. Well I can't be on the balcony too long because the cold wind will freeze my ass off.I like staying here just for this reason only. I like being friends with Frank and he has been ok. He shares a lot of things with me. Stories mostly about his day and his car hunting excursions. He got one today and i think it's a closed deal. He said after this we could go and search for second hand stuff to furnish our house. I told him i'll ask Betty where to buy good cheap stuff. Oh yeah..i'll tell you about Betty and My supervisor in the next entry. The two new interesting characters that have just entered my life. I still miss home and my baby very much so.It's nearing midnight. Gotta go to work tomorrow. I bid you goodnight, sweet dreams and dont let the bed bugs bite!

A new me

Today i'm moving out from Rina’s place to an aprtment across the street. I need my privacy and i dont think she's keen about me staying for another 3 weeks till my house siap after renovation. The apt across the street is 29 a day and i have my own room and internet connection. Rina is staying in a one bedroom apartment that cost her 280 per week and not inclusive internet connection, water and electricity. I paid her half for the first week. I rasa dont want to outstayed my welcome because i don't know her well enough to stay for a month with her. I 'm afraid that she wont like it.It's better and i need my privacy to cry whenever i need to... The new place that i'll be staying on my own is like a service apartment, they clean your room, you dont have to pay your electricity or water and you have internet connection. It's 5 minutes walk to my faculty and i can walk to the mall. It's small but i can manage that for 3 weeks. I just hope that my house will be ready soon. And i'm paying 205 per week and Frank said that i'm a good negotiator. Anyway, I dont realy like the city because there are a lot of undergrads and those who stayed here are mostly single and their way of life is different from me. I just dont know how to be single anymore I miss my family and friends. I feel incomplete without them, without you. Anyway, i'd still be mixing with Rina and the gang once in awhile. We are going on a field trip to Piha( a place with a beuatiful beach and scenary) on the 18th. The international office is organizing it. So m gonna go and get myself a tan As if i'm not dark enough. I feel as if i'm dreaming that i'm starting my class tomorrow. Suppose to see my supervisor today but he had to cancel because he's come down with a fever.So i'm meeting him at 8.30am tomorrow before the class. That's even scarier. Anyway, will try to breeze it through.I have to start somewhere.SO tomorrow it is! Wish me luck!

Sylvia Park

Hi! Today(10th of January) is almost a week that i’m here. It has been great so far but i’m missing Hannah and H so much that i almost had a nervous breakdown an hour ago but i talked to God and asked Him to give me strength and the patience to hang on until they are here.I signed the contract today. I bargained with Frank and finally he agreed to the 205-315 deal. So i only pay 205 a week and he pays the remaining of the 520 rent. It’s fair i think because he’s staying upstairs and his level is so nicely done and spacious. Mine is still horribly shabby. The owner said that he’ll do up nice and tidy for me. I hope so. So now i have to wait till then end of January before i can move out. I feel as if i’m overstaying my stay even though i am paying half of the rent now. I guess my roomie and i just need to get adjusted with one another.Today i went to Northcote by bus with Frank. It’s not that far from the city.I’m actually looking forward to leaving on my own. I’m going to try and look out for a one bedroom apartment. I need to be by myself and i think we’ll be more of a good friends if i do that.
Okay the trip to Nothcote today went well and Frank introduced me to Adam. He has been here for nearly 8 years and the reason being that he’s here to mend a broken heart. Everybody has a sad story in their closet. After signing the contract we stopped by at the nice couple’s house (the one who picked me up from the airport) and as usual, the wife cooked and this time it’s mee kuah. There were two other MALAY couples in the house and i knew one of them from work. He’s the chatty guy that i met somewhere at work either in a meeting or a training but we’ve talked before and he was telling me a lot of stuff- the dos and donts and he has been here only for three months. After eating, Frank signalled me that we need to leave and Adam is taking us home in his red bmw. He’s nice and has an eclectic interest in music. He listens to Carla Bruni and after riding with Adam, i’m beginning to like Carla Bruni. Her music is almost in the same league as Atrud Gilberto.Almost. Adam took us for a grocery shopping and then he took us to Sylvia Park because he needed to buy his flat screen tv and he thought i could use some retail therapy after the information laden session i had with Rod(the guy from work). It was a bit scary when he’s very aware of what’s happening around us. Anyway, Sylvia Park (http://www.sylviapark.org/about) proved to be a good therapy for me. It’s good to be somewhere familiar. It’s almost exactly like the carousel mall in Perth except it doesn’t have a carousel. I took pixs of myself and got glances from some people. But i don’t care.It’s a free country and i can do whatever i want. I still miss home painfully. But i’m getting use to this and i’ll get a place of my own soon. I might just check out the place that Sam stayed when he was here with the gang. I think it’s about 20-30 dollars a day and it’s self contained. I hope they have internet connection if not i’ll just hang out at starbucks. Tomorrow, i’ll cook my cheesecake and i’m thinking of checking out the new market mall near the harbour. Surprisingly, i’m not that tempted to splurge and i’m kind of careful in spending money. At Sylvia park, i only bought a jacket for Hannah at pumpkin patch because it was on sale and my shampoo. So far that i’m here, i’ve only bought a slipper and school bag for me. Nothing else. I’m so proud of myself. It’s not that i don’t have enough cash , i do. In fact i haven’t use much of the money.I have rent money till March and some still left to spare. It’s just that everything you do will be much better if it is shared. Unfortunately, i’m alone now.
Okay...it’s almost midnight and i need to hit the sack. Gotta go. I pray that Hannah and H will join me soon. Adios!

Hulu cat

That’s the cafe that i hung out with the kids just now after the house hunting. I’m settling with the house on woodside street at Northcote. I’m leaving it to GOD and hopefully it’ll work out. Yeah..where was i? I went to this place called the Hulucat. It’s a Japanese cafe but the name has a malay word on it-Hulu.A really nice and comfy joint. They serve snacks and bubble tea. But nothing like the one in Malaysia. I took photos but i can't figured out how to read my micro sd car yet. Myabe Frank could help.We played cards and bingo. Which was refreshing and i actually had fun. I can mix with anyone if i want to but the longer i’m here, i’m beginning to realize that i need to be with someone my kind and my age. I have been feeling that way lately. It’s the new place and i miss Hannah and H so much. But with these 3 kids, i can sorta be myself. They still respect me as someone older but they were being themselves when they were around me and i let my guard down a bit and relax. I actually enjoyed myself. When we went home, Dot dropped by and stayed with me for awhile. She’s quite comfortable with me that she invited me to share a comforter with her. Hmm...i was a bit taken back and i told her that i just ate and i don’t think i want to lie down. No! She’s not that kindda girl.Geez! Anyway, they are nice and have been very helpful. Tomorrow i’m going to sign the contract with Frank. I’m meeting him at the sky tower at 9.30am. It nearly midnight and i’m not sleepy. Been sleeping at 1am everyday since the first day i was here. Tomorrow is Saturday and i have the whole apartment to myself. But tomorrow have to get up early since i am going to see Frank at 9.30am. Today i had lunch on the bridge, i brought some basil (it’s fresh basil and it comes in a pot like a whole mini tree and when you wanna eat them you just pluck them. Wonderful isn’t it?)and tomato salad from home and bought tuna melts at the downstairs cafe. I made a cappuccino from the pantry and had my lunch. I read two articles that my supervisor gave me and surprisingly i can concentrate fully. The ambiance of the place i was sitting and staying somehow promotes such a comfortable and clean feeling that it boosts my concentration. I received several emails from home today. I’m touched on how my friends expressed their ‘rindu’for me. I miss them a whole lot too. I wish they knew how much. Somehow i miss Alex a lot. Every time when i take pictures of myself and by myself, i ‘d think of her because that’s our trademark. Every time when i see a girl, i’d think of Hannah. The other day, i almost break down in front of this good-looking Indian muslim guy who speaks kiwi English. He’s the cashier at his father’s convenient store situated next to the apartment i’m at now. I went there to buy a phone card. Rosie advised me to buy the SuperBuzz one. SO i asked for it and then he asked me “Do you want the superbuzz international or superbuzz asia?”. That was when i nearly break down in front of him. All these decision that i have to make for myself is overwhelming. It’s too much. H has been the one who does all this. When we were in Perth, he would be the one who analyzes the charges of some 10 phone cards and through the charts that he has made, he’ll conclude the best and cheapest one to use backed up with substantial data. I for one, just don’t care for this. I took it for granted all this because H was always the one making decision about the house, where we need to stay and where would be the best place to shop and how our contract should be. Now, he’s not here, and i have to make these decisions and it’s freaking me out. I can;t decide where we should stay and which phone card to buy and what should be included in the contract. I need him here to make all that decisions for me, for us. I can’t do this on my own. What if i made the wrong ones? I can’t! At home, he’ll make most of the nitty gritty decisions involving the house, the bills, which bulb to use in the house, what to bring to New Zealand and how to pack the bags to minimize space etc. I on the hand, help with the house cleaning, i cook sometimes, wash the laundry and suggest where we should eat on our occasional Saturday night out and i chose which bags to buy. That’s it. Other decision makings are done at work. There, i can because i know my work and i’m aware and familiar with most of what i was doing and it comes naturally. By the way, work is different. I’m making decision because i know how and i’ve been trained to do just that.Here, it’s hard. So i couldn’t answer the cashier without shedding any tears, what i did was, i looked up at him, trying really hard to contain my tears. A few moments of silence.Then he asked me “where are you calling?”. I was all choked up when i said Malaysia. Then he suggested Superbuzz Asia because according to him it’s cheaper. So i took the card and fled. I walked aimlessly and called H. I talked to him for awhile and i felt a whole lot better. I guess i needed some air. I guess i’m scared. Scared of the new possibilities and experience, scared that the people i love won’t miss me anymore. Scared that i’ll never see Hannah and H soon. Scared that i’m getting comfortable of my new routine...the new place ...the idea of being alone.

Smelling air

Hi there, I was talking to a friend about the smell of the air around you. In Malaysia you can smell it but I realized something here, the air just doesn’t smell at all. That's the peculiarity which I have mistaken it as a distinctive difference but it's not really. It's just that it doesn’t smell. It's cold and it makes your nose runny but it doesn’t smell. The no-smelling air personifies as something fresh, clean and refreshing but maybe it’s not. But I have to say this though, it’s cleaner than Malaysian air because I don’t see or smell fumes or smoke. I smell nothing. Only in the spring in Australia I can smell the trees. At first I thought someone around me was wearing ‘minyak angin’(air oil- literally translated) as a perfume but then when I went outside of the classroom and as I was walking to the carpark with Katherine, I can still smell it. There’s no way a mat salleh can be wearing a minyak angin so I asked her whether she smells the smell. Then she told me it’s the trees and how wonderful the smell was. I began appreciating the smell after that. Summer in Australia is hot, really hot. But in the Spring is great. It’s still a little cooler but the sun shines bright. It’s the opposite here in Auckland. The summer is bright and sunny accompanied by very cold wind. The contradiction, I think I can live with. The picture above I took in the city in front of Hannah’s store. I just can’t help it. I miss her so much. I talked to her through Skype last night and she was trying to let me smell her breath, which usually stinks but I couldn’t smell anything. It made me cry. I want to touch her, kiss her and just hug her but I couldn’t. It’s so frustrating but patience is a virtue. I’m going to be happy to be able to see her laugh and smile. To also be able to hear her chattering, that will keep me going for now. I am chirpy and smiley around the people here because I don’t want them to see me as a sour puss. But inside, I’m scared, still bewildered, bemused, lonely and sad. I’m not whole, there are parts of me missing and it’s really torturing to put out a smiley face when that’s the last thing that you are feeling right now. But I know I’m strong and I will get through this and everything will be great and wonderful. Everything is great and wonderful now but I just can’t enjoy it. Something about not being whole somehow prevents me from being me and from living. I want to start living and I hope I can do that soon… I want you inaianei. It means I want you now and i miss you so much sayang.

1.30pm- 7th of january 2009

It's already one plus and i am getting a bit hungry. I'm sitting in a room that belongs to a senior lecturer here. She's away in China and since my desk is not ready yet, Susan gave me a key to this room to use for the whole of this week. Cool eh?I'm a bit hungry and sleepy so i think i'd go and get myself a bite to eat and a cuppa. Hi again, I found a coffee place called Planet orb coffee which claims that they have the best coffee on earth and the exact tagline is " The best damned coffee in the civilized world". Most of the tables were occupied so i shared a table with this middle aged guy who's having TEA in a shop that serves the best damned coffee in the civilized world. The irony forced me to smile a little. I had a latte, which costs me $3.60 and a tuna sandwich which costs $3.50. The total costs = $7.10. The total lunch experience= priceless!

6th January 2009

I’m sitting here alone after seeing Susan and there are a lot of people here who are by themselves and that’s ok. It’s not weird and people wont stare at ya because it’s accepted as a norm. Which is cool for me. I’m thinking about having coffee to just lepak for awhile before i take my walk to O Rorke Hall to go see the accommodation services. Susan told me that she’ll get a couple of real estate agent numbers from North Shore to get me a head start. She’s staying at the North shore so she knows a few. Having coffee alone in a foreign place reminds me of the time when i was in Singapore attending a meeting for Motorola. I remembered sitting alone at a Starbuck and just watched people walking by and it was very relaxing. I can’t remember in the last year, the time i had to just sit and sip coffee and watch people. It was a hectic year for me. I think i’ll have my coffee now...

Heart versus mind

The farewell at the airport was like a poisonous wind sweeping through my soul and ripping each inch of it as it moves past me. I was so in control at the beginning seeing Alex and her family, Mimy drove all the way from Melaka and i saw Sherry and her family. Irene and Alvin came too with Timmy. Nelly and her family came too. My family was there and so were my in-laws. When i hugged Alex, the tears started pouring and she cried too. It was hard. We hugged each other for a few minutes and sobbing. Then i hugged my mom-in-law. I cried even harder, she came all the way to send me off and they brought me cake. A yummy one from Secret recipe to celebrate my birthday in advance. It was so sweet of them. I hugged her and she kissed me so many times and she cried too. Then i hugged everyone else and they cried. I went to my dad and kissed his hand and he hugged me. It didn’t hit me until i was off the plane and in Auckland then only i realized that was my first adult hug from dad. Mom cried and my sisters cried. My sayang didn’t but it was really hard for him and i can feel it. Hannah was ok but when i was at the immigration, H called me and asked me to look up. When i did, i saw a group of them hovering from the glass top looking down at me. Then my eyes caught up with Hannah and she was sobbing. That breaks my heart. She was calling out “mummy’. I talked to her and tried to pacify her but she kept on crying. I cried all the way to plane. My eyes hurt. Another thing that hit me was that all happened in the full view of my students and Dean. How embarrassing! I sms those who sent me off and Alex said that she missed me. I missed her too. The good thing is that there’s someone here named Alex. I haven’t met her yet but i doubt she’ll be like Alex.Auckland is like Perth but colder. So far the Malaysians here are really nice and friendly. An older couple picked me up from the airport and took me to their house for lunch before sending me to Rosie’s. I’m staying with Rosie and she’s nice. I need to get a place of my own soon because i can’t be a guest in someone’s house too long. I miss everyone a lot especially Hannah and H. I miss the familiarities and the comfort of home and warm arms. It’s cold here and it’s suppose to be summer but i like the idea of not sweating and how my hair feels silky smooth due to the lack of humidity. My heart yearns to be home and to run back to all the familiar hugs, kisses and smiles. But my mind asks me to be sensible and to start thinking about the future and to consider all hopes bestowed upon me to continue my studies not forgetting my lifelong dream to get a doctorate. there's a malay saying that goes " if you follow your heart you die" well..harsh i know but that's what you get for literally translating it. But if you turn to our western counterpart, they encourage you to follow your heart because that's where your strength lies. One good example if the lyrics of the song 'Just stand up for Cancer" that goes like this " If the mindKeeps thinkingYou've had enoughBut the heartKeeps telling youDon't give up".The heart it seems is the source of hope and strength as the song sings "The heart is strongerThan you thinkIt's like it can goThrough anythingAnd even when you thinkIt can't it finds a wayTo still push on". It was a hectic and deafening debate but i’m taking the middle road. I’ll use the aching of my heart to actually drive me forward and get my mind to keep it real when my heart starts to dominates. I miss u and everyone at home but i’m anxiously looking forward for what is in store for me here. I am hoping for something great, amazing.adventurous and gratifying. All that said, i’m still a little numb, scared and bewildered. I hope things will work out great. In the meantime,I love my campus. It looks ancient and it’s right smack in the city. The contradiction is very attractive. I walked a lot today by myself. I told Rosie to let me be and armed with the campus map i walked and found my way to the housing accommodation services, to the library and of course the business school. In the library, i picked a corner table and sat down. My gastric has been bugging me since day one. It must be the stress, the goodbyes and the anticipation all rolled into one big giant gas. Anyway, i have some herbal remedy that will heal it soon and also i need to be positive. All this negativity is giving me gas. I wasn’t thinking about anything. I have been numb but i know subconsciously i was because those negative thoughts have manifested into weird scary dreams. Anyway, at the business school, Susan wasn’t around today and will only be back tomorrow so i couldn’t get into my cubicle yet. The business school is modern and suits the characteristics it wants to portray. The graduate studies building is hidden behind a huge old tree and it’s made by white brick and full of character. I love the fusion of modern and classic architectural design splashed all over the buildings in the campus. I walked to the city by myself and went to the Bank of New Zealand to open an account. Why BNZ? Well nothing about they don’t charge you any fees on most services or they can also give you a savings account and a checking account. No...none of that. It’s the name. I’m in New Zealand and i want to open an account where i’m at and currently in New Zealand. When i was in Perth, i had an account, well in fact still have an account with BankWest – Bank of Western Australia. Not ANZ or the National Bank but BNZ. I’m a simple girl. I go for the name. But somehow the service i received today was good and the banker was very helpful and friendly. I bought some groceries and juices and headed home. Saw more unique buildings here. I went home had lunch and got a quick nap until i was awaken by a welcoming and much awaited sms