I miss....

I miss my house. I miss my car. I miss driving and eating at mamak stalls. I miss my office. I miss teaching.I miss lepaking with my friends. I miss mom. I miss my sisters and my brothers. I miss going for my regular facials. I miss Vicky-my beautician. I miss going for my dopamine-induced hair wash- it’s such a stress reliever. I miss going for reflexology. I miss having my frapacino green tea on a warm day. I miss swimming at the Aquatic center. I miss going home to Penang. I miss having massages at Gurney Hotel. I miss eating Penang food. I miss eating all the kueh. I miss my bedroom. I miss getting text messages from my students. I miss cracking jokes and LOL with my colleagues. I miss my monthly outings with my girlfriends. I miss chatting with my students. I miss listening to my Ipod in the car while driving.I miss my car..oops said that already.


I have been missing a lot of things, rituals and people from home lately. Maybe because of this uncertainty that I’m facing right now that has resulted me to be like this. Missing home so much that if my heart got the best of me, I would have gone home…right now. But no…i’m not. I’m staying and facing these head on.


Besides, if I go home then I’ll miss all the magical rainbow sightings from our backyards. There are a lot of them and big, mostly 180degrees ones. I’ll miss my bus rides. I’ll miss walking for miles and miles without sweating. I’ll miss wearing all these stylish jackets that I wouldn’t be able to wear at home without sweating like a mad pig. I’ll miss my knee high boots. I’ll miss reading and writing. I’ll miss the new friends that I’ve made. I’ll miss the family time that I seem to have more than when I’m home. I miss spending time with Hannah. I’ll miss my chats with H. I’ll miss cooking nasi lemak and roti canai or cucuq badak. I’ll miss my well-behaved hair. I’ll miss walking with H and Hannah to the grocery store. I’ll miss speaking with the Kiwi accent.I'll miss walking with Hannah to school. I miss the weekly family outings to morning markets or the beach. *sigh*


I’m a wreck but I thank God that I still have hope and faith. So let me share with you the lyrics of the Fray..You found me. I am into this song right now. The lyrics are meaningful and they speak of being lost and bewildered. H and I talked about it the other day and it was kindda fun having his take on it. I thought it was about a love lost but then it’s not only that but more of admitting defeat and surrendering to the powers that be. It’s also about asking for guidance and faith during bleak times. Feel free to disagree with me..


So here it is…The Fray- You Found Me


I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am
Who I'm not, who I wanna be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me



Cheerios! Have a great week everyone!

My Mama

The thing about mothers is that they have a way to just get to you. I think 10 years ...or maybe sooner, my daughter will be tweeting about me as i’m blogging about my mom now. Hmm..karma! Anyway, i’m down in the ditch and i thought talking to mom could make me feel better a bit. It did...believe me, it puts things into perspectives and she’s always on my side. Sometimes i needed to remind myself of that. Especially when we only talk to each other every few weeks and the distance didn’t help as well. The talk with mom was going so well and then she said something....everything went stale. I think those who are close to me know that i am really sensitive when it comes to my family and close friends. I am guilty at reacting first and thinking later. I did that and mom realised it fast and she tried to salvage what’s left of the conversation by changing the topic and talking about dad. Dad has not been well lately and she knows that i’m worried about him. She was really tactful and i almost cried but didn’t because of the abrupt change of topic. See mom knows everything eh...she knows my soft spot and she knows how to pacify. I guess that’s her way of saying that she misses me and wishes that i’m there with her. That’s my way of rationalizing. The conversation ended well despite the minor but could have been a lethal, glitch. But i felt bad after that for being so sensitive but mom knows that i am like that. Only mom knows. They know how to make you happy and how to get to you. They will say things that you thought just to spite you but then their intention is to make you learn.

I’m still learning about life lessons from my mom at this age...how befitting? But mom has this kind of power over you. You can’t stay mad at them for too long. Why? Because you fear of being struck by lighting without any time to repent?Because you know they are right most of the time or at least their hearts were at the right place when they say those “hurtful’ things? Because heaven is underneath their feet? Hmm it sounds better in Malay...i guess because i’m a mom and have had rows with my seven year old all the time. I know it’s really hard to make the right decision all the time but you tried your best to do so. Your only guide is your heart. All moms want the best for their children and will give their lives to save their children. So you do what you think is best at that time for your child. I pray and hope that my relationship with Hannah will continue as it is now till forever, infinity and beyond. We are the best of friends. We can talk more about adult stuff now but not about boys yet! Thank God! She still thinks that they are yuckyJ . I marvel at her anecdotes about the politics of her infantile friendships and her quaint accounts of life. I love her. I love my mum. As i get older, i don’t say as often as i should but i do. I love you Mama and Happy Mother’s day! To all mothers- Have a great and relaxing weekend!

You found me – I love the lyrics to this song.

I am at this juncture of my life that i don’t really know which way to go. I am not sure whether the decision that i am about to make is the right one for me. It feels right now but then i am having goose bumps right now. That’s where my family and friends come in. To help me and guide me to take the right path. I am so thankful for H, Alex, Lisa, Irene and Annie for always being my faithful all day, all weather pillars of strength, support and sensibility. H and i are much much closer than before. He has put my happiness first above all else and I am always thankful for having him in my life. He is so sweet..hehe..anyway, i’ll write about him on the next entryJ or maybe i’ll just twitter. Even Dean came out well in the friendship category by regularly keeping in touch with me and making his signature jokes.

I feel blessed and it surprised me that some new people showed up to help me at making this decision as well. My boss. Hmm..i was surprised but he trusted me and gave me his full support. I am so touched by all this. I’m even in his selected email list for all the inspirational quotes or jokes that he thinks are worth forwarding. It’s so cool having all that now. But i’m still praying that i will get all this resolved soon and start on a new journey.

Ok..talking about friendships and friends i received this email the other day from a close friend. Hmm..i consider her as my close friend. I replied the email and asked her which one am I to her? The shoe fetish friend? She didn’t answer my question but she sent me an email and asked me how i was doing and updated me on what’s going on with her. It’s freezing right now that my fingers are getting really cold and numb. Anyway, since i’’m on the roll right now, i’ll continue until i lose all feelings to my fingers and started writing something like dvhjabfdbqrermx,hfbdf! Then i’ll stop. But for now, coherent sentences are still present so i’m going to continue and present you with the email she sent me.

But wait! About the shoe fetish thing...the funny thing is that we have never gone shoe shopping but we’ve talked about shoes i think. But i know she regards me as one of her closest friends. How i know this was because we clicked and we can talked to each other. The actual milestone was when i received a call from her, i think 4 years ago and i remembered vividly where i was- in the kitchen at my in laws and it was a couple of days before Raya. She was at the lowest point in her life and she called and shared with me her sad news, we both cried and she asked me for help. I did and the rest is details.

I noticed that as we grow older is kindda hard to make friends but if we found one then we’ll click fast and we’ll be friends for many years to come. I met Alex when i started working with the new company five years ago. If i haven’t told you that, you wouldn’t have known because we looked like non-identical sisters. I know all her family members. When her sis came over the other day, i spent a couple of days with her even though back home we have met only once i think but Alex talked about her often enough that i think i know her well. Lisa , i have known since high school. She’s like a sister i never had. I know that in my pursuit to achieve my lifelong goal, i can be along her side to see her twins grow but i know that she knows that i’ll always be right there for her anytime, any day , no conditions or expiry dates to be concerned with. All she needs to do is text me.

Anyway, i have many friends back home and i miss that the most now. But with technology, i communicate through skype, YM, Gtalk and i facebook with them. So i feel closer to them even though in reality they are miles away. Then there are also those that i was close beforebut somehow the ties are weakening by distance. I know I’m important only when something bad happened in that friend’s life and i am needed as a shoulder to cry on. I guess it shows their true colours. Well I’m not perfect but i have always shown to all my friends how much they mean to me. I can be complacent sometimes but i write and call. For the last four months, the mundane consistency of my days has turned me into boring Jane. I need to spark the passion in me and make me me again. I hope the new path brings me home to me. I hope and pray to God for strength and light.

Okay...okay....hold your horses...the email...this is so cool! Have a great nippy weekend everyone!

GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little,I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,

And then I started to become a woman.

And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,

God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.

Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.

Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.

Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'

Another , 'Let's fight together,'Another , 'Let's walk away together.'

One friend will meet your spiritual need,

Another your shoe fetish,

Another your love for movies,

Another will be with you in your season of confusion,

Another will be your clarifier,

Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,

On whatever the occasion,

On whatever the day,

Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,

Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .

Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several..

One from 7th grade,One from high school,

Several from the college years,

A couple from old jobs,

On some days your mother,

On some days your neighbor,

On others, your sisters,

And on some days, your daughters.